Is Lazy Parenting the Secret to Teaching Independence?

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Last week I interviewed Kim who is watching her daughter navigate the college search process. I wanted to learn more about how she was managing to remain so hands-off. Today, we look further back at the journey she took as a parent to get to this point. The good news is that Kim seems to think it takes less work, not more! She uses the word lazy to describe her parenting style, but as we all know, no working mom of two teenagers is lazy! Maybe she just has her priorities straight. If you’re older kids aren’t doing their own laundry yet, read on…

Elephant Mamas: What values or traits are you most proud of instilling in your kids?

Kim: I am proud that they are independent, hard-working (most of the time!), [Read more…]

The College Search: Whose Journey Is It?

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My kids aren’t at the college search stage yet, but I’m close enough to be frightened by parents who make the process seems all-consuming. For some, it seems to be the high school version of the elementary science fair img_9188project. Sure, your 8-year-old kid’s project looks amazing and might rake in thousands of dollars in a Kickstarter launch, but did he really wire/code/build that thing all by himself? For the record, my kids’ projects did not stand out, but they were 100% kid completed!

I recently attended my college reunion and talked with a friend who is remarkably hands-off with her daughter’s current college search. It was such a refreshing conversation that I expanded on it in an interview that I’m sharing with you here. I recognize that college is years away for many of you, so I’ll be back next week with part 2 of this interview that delves further back and looked at how her kids reached this level of independence. I’m not sure that my kids are ready for everything her daughter has taken on, but I am open to the possibility!

Elephant Mamas: Can you tell us a little about yourself?

Kim: I am a 47 year old married mother of two teenagers. I teach Spanish at a public high school in [Read more…]

Running from the Monkeys

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If you ask my kids, they will tell you that I am a worrier. An over-worrier, in fact. In my defense, I think all parents worry from the moment the baby arrives (is the car seat installed properly? is this ear-piercing shriek a sign he needs a fresh diaper or catastrophic illness?) or even before (will she be healthy? how will I make it through the delivery?) It would be nice to think that we all eventually get the hang of this parenting thing and just chill out, but my experience has been that you just move on to different worry-provoking topics.

Recently, I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of experts talking about fear and its impact on our mind. Brene Brown, PhD and author of Rising Strong, refers to it as “dress rehearsing tragedy” [Read more…]

How to Talk to Kids About Tragedy

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This is a post I wish I didn’t feel compelled to write. But tragedy happens. In our worlds and our communities and our families. Today isn’t one of those days, but it feels better to talk about it when I’m not personally feelinimg_8822g lost in the craziness of the world. The picture I’m including is from this summer in my own community. In the parking lot of our local high school, heartbroken kids lit candles, wrote chalk messages, prayed, and spent time grieving together and alone. The message that most stands out to me in this picture is written in red words on the curb. Choose Love. Yes, please. Choose Love.

Last week, I sat down with Zita Fekete, a psychotherapist that I met years ago through my children’s Montessori school. I’d like to share her thoughts here so that we can be prepared when we’re expected to be far more adult than we ever wanted to be. I will preface this by saying that our conversation focused largely on kids who are exposed to and knowledgeable about a specific tragedy. I know when I had preschoolers, I kept the TV off and the radio tuned to music to avoid filling their brains with words and images they weren’t ready for. But, it gets harder and harder to shield them as they get older.

  1. Talk, talk, talk. Ask your child questions: How do you feel? What do you know? What do you want to know?
  2. Listen and accept their answers. Conversation is only good if there are no taboos, no expectations. You need to accept whatever answer they give you, even if it isn’t what you expect.
  3. Let them lead. The conversations, feelings, and needs all depend on the person.
  4. Surround your kids with positive experiences. If they can engage with positive experiences (e.g. camping, spending time outdoors), it doesn’t leave as much room for the negativity.
  5. Remember: It’s not about you. As much as you may also be impacted by a specific event, you need to separate your own pain from your role as a parent. Seek out help for yourself if you need to.

We had a much longer conversation that also covered depression, anxiety, and other topics, but I’ll save those for another time. For now, choose love and hug your kids every day.

Laugh out Loud Moments

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I put Humor in the tagline of this blog because I think it goes a long way in parenting, but it has been sadly lacking on this blog. So… time to laugh!

When was the last time you and your kid laughed out loud together? For me, it was last night at dinner during a discussion of English assignments when my Eldest asked my Youngest if he knew Mark Twain’s real name.

Youngest (with confidence): “Marcus Twainius.”

Eldest (with disdain): “No, Samuel Clemens.”

Husband (not wanting to be left out): “Samuel Langhorne Clemens.”

Which devolved into a conversation about how all Samuels have L middle names – Samuel L. Jackson – and then a joke from Ted2… Maybe you had to be there, but light, unexpected moments are one of the joys of parenting teenagers so I like to celebrate the moments when we aren’t discussing homework or wet towels on the floor.

If you can’t remember the last time you laughed together, maybe you’re due for a funny show, movie, book. Here are some of my funny moments.

Funniest TV show I watch with my kids: Big Bang Theory

Last funny movie I saw with my kids: The Secret Life of Pets. There was some grumbling about me choosing the movie, but every single one of us laughed!

Funniest book I ever read to my kids: This has to be Knucklehead: Tall Tales and Almost True Stories of Growing Up Sciezka by Jon Scieszka (author of Time Warp Trio series and The Stinky Cheese Man). I’m guessing it appeals more to boys since he came from a family of six boys. There’s a story in there about peeing in a radiator and I was horrified to learn that my child repeated it for Show and Tell in 4th grade!

Funniest book I read about parenting: I Don’t Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson which I reviewed earlier on Elephant Mamas. Also, Tina Fey’s Bossypants…I don’t remember how much parenting was in it specifically, but it had me laughing out loud in a hotel room in the middle of the night with my family once. I blamed jetlag, but really I think it was Tina’s fault.

Funniest YouTube baby video I still remember: Because everyone loves the sound of a baby laughing… https://youtu.be/N9oxmRT2YWw

What makes you and your kid laugh??