How to Talk to Kids About Tragedy

This is a post I wish I didn’t feel compelled to write. But tragedy happens. In our worlds and our communities and our families. Today isn’t one of those days, but it feels better to talk about it when I’m not personally feeling lost in the craziness of the world. The picture I’m including is from this summer in my own community. In the parking lot of our local high school, heartbroken kids lit candles, wrote chalk messages, prayed, and spent time grieving together and alone. The message that most stands out to me in this picture is written in red words on the curb. Choose Love. Yes, please. Choose Love.

Last week, I sat down with Zita Fekete, a psychotherapist that I met years ago through my children’s Montessori school. I’d like to share her thoughts here so that we can be prepared when we’re expected to be far more adult than we ever wanted to be. I will preface this by saying that our conversation focused largely on kids who are exposed to and knowledgeable about a specific tragedy. I know when I had preschoolers, I kept the TV off and the radio tuned to music to avoid filling their brains with words and images they weren’t ready for. But, it gets harder and harder to shield them as they get older.

1. Talk, talk, talk. Ask your child questions: How do you feel? What do you know? What do you want to know?
2. Listen and accept their answers. Conversation is only good if there are no taboos, no expectations. You need to accept whatever answer they give you, even if it isn’t what you expect.
3. Let them lead. The conversations, feelings, and needs all depend on the person.
4. Surround your kids with positive experiences. If they can engage with positive experiences (e.g. camping, spending time outdoors), it doesn’t leave as much room for the negativity.
5. Remember: It’s not about you. As much as you may also be impacted by a specific event, you need to separate your own pain from your role as a parent. Seek out help for yourself if you need to.

We had a much longer conversation that also covered depression, anxiety, and other topics, but I’ll save those for another time. For now, choose love and hug your kids every day.