Life is Short

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I was stunned to find out today that Tory DeOrian, the amazingly talented illustrator of this blog, passed away this week. I don’t know anything except that this bright 25-year-old shining star is no longer with us which makes me so very sad. I only met her once and yet I’m moved to tears at her loss and sending my prayers to those who knew her best.

We met two years ago in The Viper Room at a 2-day Rob Bell conference for communicators. She was the beautiful, uber-tall blonde sitting in the front row, asking deep questions and engaging Rob. Through her answers to his questions, we all got to know her. She was working as a makeup artist (among other things; I seem to recall she had several jobs), but she was also a budding artist with big dreams. We talked outside of the conference and, looking at her art, I urged her to check out the Society of Children Bookwriters and Illustrators (SCBWI). Her quirky little manticorn–you know, a manatee with a horn–seemed destined to find his way onto the pages of a children’s picture book. She jumped in to SCBWI with both feet and quickly signed as an illustrator with a prestigious literary agency. I don’t know if the manticorn ever materialized into a full book, but I sincerely hope so.

Last summer, I hired Tory to create the illustrations for this blog. It was important to me that the blog not come off too judge-y and I thought her lighthearted illustrations would be perfect. I had a great experience going back and forth with her as the images evolved.

In Tory’s short life, she touched so many lives and left behind a beautiful and inspiring legacy in her art. We talked of one day writing a book about ELMA, my little elephant mama, but I always thought we’d have time for that. Tory never had a chance to become a mama, but she embodied the qualites: Love, Wisdom, Humor, and Intention.

Thanks for the inspiration Tory. I’ll leave you with her words and her art.

Always have something to look forward to. 

Leave no stone unturned. 

The One Device Your Child Needs for Back to School

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Nope, it’s not a smartphone. 

Or a dumphone. 

Or an iPad/Kindle/iPod/Nook/Surface/laptop/Fire/DS/Smartwatch or any other of the multitude of devices that they may already have. 

If your child is over the age of 5, they need an alarm clock.I don’t care if it’s digital or analog, battery-operated or electric, with radio or without. The key is that it NOT have a docking station for any other device. Which leads to the main point here… 

Whether my child was 5 or 15, I’ve kept the electronic devices out of the bedroom. When I tell people that this has always been the rule in my house, I’m frequently met with blank stares.

But they need it as an alarm clock. Keep reading for alternatives. I swear alarm clocks are still a real thing.

But they need it for studying. Really?? Have you seen a child multi-task lately? Mine can watch a movie, play a video game and Snapchat with several people (about the homework, of course) all at the same time.

Why do I feel so strongly about this? It’s mostly about sleep. And that giant magnetic pull that our devices have on all of us. We all need time to rest, recoup, and recharge. If you want proof, you can read this and this and this. I won’t go down the social media rathole, but kids also need a sanctuary away from the constant barrage of beautiful-people-posting-amazing-moments.

Which leads us back to the alarm clock. If your kid needs something to wake him in the morning, let that be a single-purpose alarm clock that won’t instantly pull him into another world. Don’t let the need for an alarm clock lead to these palm-sized supercomputers finding their way onto their nightstand. I can guarantee that the Alarm app will not be the only one used overnight. While I’m not naive enough to think my rules have never been broken, it remains a solid rule night after night.

Where do you buy an alarm clock?  They are definitely harder to find than they used to be, but Amazon and Target and lots of other retailers still usually have one or two tucked in their warehouses or shelves. I’m sure a good second-hand store has a nice stock as well. 

And, if your child has NEVER in his life needed a wakeup call, I’m sorry as I’m sure you have the dark undereye circles to prove it. Or, maybe, your the mama that still wakes her child up every day.  My son once told me he preferred the mamalarm to the loudalarm. That’s fine too, but when the day comes, just buy a clock.

When Mama Knows Best

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Do you ever feel like your timing is out of sync? Or your kid’s timing is out of sync? There seem to be set rules for everything in our society: babies should walk by 12 months, toddlers should know 100 words, 5-year olds should go to kindergarten (unless they’re boys and then, maybe six is okay), 15-year olds should be learning to drive, 18-year olds should be planning to leave the nest.

But what if you and your kid aren’t on that plan?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately with my own teenagers. I’ll skip the details, but let me just say that I’m not sure who decided 15 was the right age to teach a boy to drive. I’m quite certain it would have been easier at age 12 (when they still thought you knew something) or maybe… 26?

When I look back, both my kids and I have been out of sync many times. My babies learned to walk at 10 months (“early! that’s amazing! what did you do?!?”) and 16 months (“that’s a little late. have you thought about having him evaluated?”) They were both completely fine – and, contrary to popular belief, the younger one walked later despite having an older brother to model it for him. That same kid didn’t know how to jump at the age of 3 – a discovery I made in Gymboree class. Was there something wrong with him? Nope. He was just content with 2 feet on the ground. He’s now a long distance runner who has just added javelin to his repertoire. I started 1st grade a month after I turned 5, graduated when I was 16 and finished college before I was (legally) allowed in a bar.

I’m thinking April the giraffe is feeling this way right about now after 2 weeks of live streaming the impending birth of her baby. All in due time.

Everyone is different.

And that’s what keeps life interesting. Sometimes you just know your kids better than anyone else.

 

Book Review: Grit

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Although my links work, for some reason, they don’t show up unless you hover your mouse over them. Until I figure out the issue, I’m just moving to all CAPITALS so you’ll know it’s a link.

I’ve been on a non-fiction reading kick this past year and my latest book is no exception. GRIT, by Angela Duckworth, is one of those rare books that straddles the line between business and parenting. It’s a great concept and one I think we could all do well to master in ourselves, as well as foster in those little (and not so little) people we are raising. Want to know how gritty you are? There’s a link for the Grit Scale quiz at the end of this post. If you take it, share your number in the comments too! I’ll share mine and, I promise, there is no wrong answer.

First, of all, what is grit?

The dictionary offers this: firmness of character; indomitable spirit; pluck. Okay, that makes sense. Someone who is tough, who gets back up after falling down, who follows through.

The author uses this concept of grit to explain why some people eventually succeed and others fail (noting that there will always be failures along the way to final success). She defines it as the combination of passion and perseverance. The best scientists, doctors, athletes, and writers are not necessarily the smartest people. What they do have in common is a passion for their vocation and an indomitable perseverance to succeed at it. And lots of practice. But what if you aren’t naturally gritty? Are you doomed? Nope, it turns out science shows that, with effort, you can grow in your grittiness.

The translation to parenting is interesting because this concept can inform both how we view our child and how we encourage them. Duckworth divides parenting into 4 categories: Authoritarian, Neglectful, Permissive, and Wise. It’s not too hard to see which camp we should all be aiming for, but I’m sure we all have days where we end up on the authoritarian, neglectful, or permissive side. The idea behind Wise Parenting is that you’re both Demanding and Supportive. Kind of sounds like an Elephant Mama to me!

An excerpt from the book:

If you want to bring forth grit in your child, first ask how much passion and perseverance you have for your own life goals. Then ask yourself how likely it is that your approach to parenting encourages your child to emulate you. If the answer to the first question is “a great deal,” and your answer to the second is “very likely” you’re already parenting for grit.

One of her concrete pieces of advice is the One Hard Thing rule that her family has adopted. Everyone in her family, child and adult alike, has to choose one hard thing and stick with it, despite obstacles, at least until its natural conclusion. She’s an advocate for extra-curricular activities here because they meet the criteria of being both challenging and interesting.

Do your kids have One Hard Thing? Do you? I’ll tell you about mine in my next post.

Want your own Grit Score? Take the QUIZ! And then, post your score in the comments. I’ll put mine in there too. If you’re interested in learning more, but not finding the time to digest the whole book right now, you can cruise through the 6 minute TED talk.

 

Presents and Presence

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A local online community I’m part of recently featured a post by a woman with little financial resources asking for ideas on inexpensive gifts to get her 1 year old for Christmas. Knowing my own kids at that age, my first thought was an empty box and some wrapping paper! We all remember the stage when the child would rather play with (or in!) the box than  whatever toy came inside. It started me thinking about this season of giving and receiving and what’s really important.

If I ask you what you received for Christmas (or Hannukah, or birthdays, for that matter) as a child, how many presents do you really remember? My family has never had a specific limit or rule around gift-giving, but I’m sure my kids will tell you that they are not the ones to have the new XBox or latest iPhone on Christmas morning. I’ve heard of ideas like Something you Need, Something you Wear, Something to Read, and Something to Want, but I’ve never had quite that level of discipline. I’m a little more random, but you can count on books, Christmas PJs, and something fun.

Getting back to the one-year-old, wouldn’t the gift of a less financially stressed out mom be the best gift? What if the holidays were all about presence instead of presents. If you have some extra time these next two weeks, I highly recommend spending it at home vs. the shopping mall. I failed to take my own advice on that one a few days ago and ended up abandoning the whole shopping trip because the line at Target was nearly to the back wall of the store!

So what can you do to be present? With yourself? With your family? With your friends? A few thoughts…

  • Build a snowman. Okay, not possible in my neck of the woods right now, but maybe yours!
  • Play a card game (my family specializes in competitive quadruple solitaire – yes, that’s a thing).
  • Go for a drive to look at the lights.
  • Watch a classic Christmas TV show. Here’s a complete schedule. Charlie Brown Christmas anyone?
  • Make cookies. The more frosting the better!
  • Sit by the fireplace and read together.
  • Go sledding. (I’m clearly dreaming of a white Christmas).
  • Go for deeper conversations. Here was one from our conversation last night… If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
  • Invite friends over – for you and the kids.
  • Turn off the TV and play holiday music instead. In Seattle, we even have a Santa station.